Intimacy

I think I might be going crazy. Since when in my mundane life riddled with obesity, lethargy, and general lack of confidence, could I be a desirable thing? A moment where I might be considered worthwhile of a person's affection? Persons' even?? Jesus, what is this world coming to.

It's falling apart really, the curtains are crashing down all around (I really am this corrupt). I've had a few fears here and there; fear of bugs, fear of heights and fights and blood and well anything, everything. Fear of loneliness, and apparently even intimacy too. Maybe not the holding, but the singularity, and certainly the idea of finality, of stasis, maybe? I don't even know, but there's gotta be something behind this self destructive tendency. I'm capable of love, shit, I must be full of it! So why am I so scared to let any of it out?

I think, I am just regretful that I didn't give it a chance. Because, I just can't get her out for some reason, and hell, I didn't even know she was in until she wasn't there anymore.

So, am I hopeful or heartbroken? Am I heartbroken, or hopeful? It's awful difficult trying to compensate for a self destructive tendency, when you don't have much in the ways of a sense of self to begin with.